"So what did she call you?" I txtd her, with a smiley. She replied that she'd been called by her first name - the short version. Soon after, came her irate message, "What's happening to kids these days?"
The issue was this. A girl (she wasn't really a kid; just hadn't hit 30) we'd met a month and a half ago, had txted us, addressing us by our first names. As opposed to 'Ma'am' which she used the first few times.
It was amusing and thought-provoking. The girl who had irritated the hell out of my friend has, I’m pretty sure, no idea that she had given offence.
Speaking for myself, I'm pretty okay with being addressed by my first name by people younger than me, though ma’am has been the norm ever since my greys started crowding the blacks out. I am also very comfortable calling older women by their first names. (If there is a possibility of offence though, I usually stick to nothing and occasionally do the ma'am.)
However, in spite of myself, I do feel some mild irritation and maybe, just a little disappointment too, when a person who has ma'am-ed in the past, decides to drop it one fine morning.
Somehow, it feels like that person is saying, "I tried it out but you don't really fe-el ma'am enough to me".
(When that happens, I don't really know for sure if there's any intention to slight , but it feels like there is.)
And recently, I find myself experiencing mild shock when a college kid addresses me by my first name. I know of only one who does, though. Something to do with thinking of them as kids, I guess.
At this point, I must confess that, over the years, ma'am just feels more and more right. In fact, I find myself enjoying it, like some newly acquired status symbol.
As far as I can see, in a place like India, where respect for the older has still not gone out of fashion, and yet, it's cool to be casual in a no-formalities-please sort of way, you're walking on a social minefield with this one. It’s a game with no rules and what you thought was a harmless volley might end up hitting someone in his sensitives.
The only time it’s fairly uncomplicated is when you're dealing with a person from the Western world, which is usually when you're emailing them at work. Then, you can address pretty much anyone and everyone by their first names. (Just don't carry it too far like I did once when I emailed a certain Barbara, calling her 'Barb'; with an "if i may". Sheesh!)
If they are too senior or are way higher up on the work ladder - and are also British or Australian, then definitely - you can call them Mr. or Mrs.Whatever.
(Personally, I dislike being Mrs-ed. Particularly, when my husband's name is added to it and not my own, because I still go by my maiden name.)
But add a little bit of family to the game with no rules - and it jumps five levels up on complexity. Suddenly, in the game, you are an Indian diplomat talking to his Pakistani counterpart.
For instance.
It’s fairly common practice in this country to call people of your generation, who are older than you, their names plus the word for older brother or older sister. So that it sounds like one word. However, there are many families where this is not the custom. (Possibly the same ones whose members would, more often than not, not ma'am the ma'ams?)
So, if you marry into a family where 'due respect' is accorded, but you are unused to or maybe even opposed to doing so, what do you call your spouse's older brother? In other words, who gets to keep Kashmir, without anyone taking offence?
Is there a middle path?
Some people like to have a formal-casual combination. Personally, I find the results disastrous when a random something is combined with a term of respect. Like an East-meets-West outfit that's gone completely wrong.
To elaborate.
If I made chocolava cake for my two-year-old niece, and at the time, (probably, paying me the highest compliment) she called me Chocolava chittamma - kinda like chocolava aunty - and her parents, thereafter, always referred to me as Chocolava chittamma....Ugh.
Believe me, these sort of things really happen.
End of the day, I can take being un-ma'am-ed all of a sudden and I can take having to give in for the sake of family peace...just don't put chaat masala on my pepperoni pizza.
The issue was this. A girl (she wasn't really a kid; just hadn't hit 30) we'd met a month and a half ago, had txted us, addressing us by our first names. As opposed to 'Ma'am' which she used the first few times.
It was amusing and thought-provoking. The girl who had irritated the hell out of my friend has, I’m pretty sure, no idea that she had given offence.
Speaking for myself, I'm pretty okay with being addressed by my first name by people younger than me, though ma’am has been the norm ever since my greys started crowding the blacks out. I am also very comfortable calling older women by their first names. (If there is a possibility of offence though, I usually stick to nothing and occasionally do the ma'am.)
However, in spite of myself, I do feel some mild irritation and maybe, just a little disappointment too, when a person who has ma'am-ed in the past, decides to drop it one fine morning.
Somehow, it feels like that person is saying, "I tried it out but you don't really fe-el ma'am enough to me".
(When that happens, I don't really know for sure if there's any intention to slight , but it feels like there is.)
And recently, I find myself experiencing mild shock when a college kid addresses me by my first name. I know of only one who does, though. Something to do with thinking of them as kids, I guess.
At this point, I must confess that, over the years, ma'am just feels more and more right. In fact, I find myself enjoying it, like some newly acquired status symbol.
As far as I can see, in a place like India, where respect for the older has still not gone out of fashion, and yet, it's cool to be casual in a no-formalities-please sort of way, you're walking on a social minefield with this one. It’s a game with no rules and what you thought was a harmless volley might end up hitting someone in his sensitives.
The only time it’s fairly uncomplicated is when you're dealing with a person from the Western world, which is usually when you're emailing them at work. Then, you can address pretty much anyone and everyone by their first names. (Just don't carry it too far like I did once when I emailed a certain Barbara, calling her 'Barb'; with an "if i may". Sheesh!)
If they are too senior or are way higher up on the work ladder - and are also British or Australian, then definitely - you can call them Mr. or Mrs.Whatever.
(Personally, I dislike being Mrs-ed. Particularly, when my husband's name is added to it and not my own, because I still go by my maiden name.)
But add a little bit of family to the game with no rules - and it jumps five levels up on complexity. Suddenly, in the game, you are an Indian diplomat talking to his Pakistani counterpart.
For instance.
It’s fairly common practice in this country to call people of your generation, who are older than you, their names plus the word for older brother or older sister. So that it sounds like one word. However, there are many families where this is not the custom. (Possibly the same ones whose members would, more often than not, not ma'am the ma'ams?)
So, if you marry into a family where 'due respect' is accorded, but you are unused to or maybe even opposed to doing so, what do you call your spouse's older brother? In other words, who gets to keep Kashmir, without anyone taking offence?
Is there a middle path?
Some people like to have a formal-casual combination. Personally, I find the results disastrous when a random something is combined with a term of respect. Like an East-meets-West outfit that's gone completely wrong.
To elaborate.
If I made chocolava cake for my two-year-old niece, and at the time, (probably, paying me the highest compliment) she called me Chocolava chittamma - kinda like chocolava aunty - and her parents, thereafter, always referred to me as Chocolava chittamma....Ugh.
Believe me, these sort of things really happen.
End of the day, I can take being un-ma'am-ed all of a sudden and I can take having to give in for the sake of family peace...just don't put chaat masala on my pepperoni pizza.
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