Not so grand

Grandparenting, in the medical community of which i am a part, is not a fun job, I gather. You are away from your environment, away from your community, interacting, in many cases, in a new language; there is also the burden - joyful maybe but a burden nevertheless - of being responsible for a baby and/or child. The challenges are numerous.

The other day I talked to a lady who is staying with her son and wife to help them with looking after their baby. Her husband was alone back home. Though I hardly knew her, when I said hello, she poured her heart out to me saying she felt caged in the house, life was monotonous, she had no one to even talk to except the maids etc. I felt sorry for her.
I was reminded of my early days here. I had resented that hardly anyone took an effort to try and make people like me welcome. There were freshers’ welcome parties in the hostels and in the departments but no one remembered to welcome a ‘fresh wife’ into their midst. Every single non-working woman I have spoken to regarding this matter had her own ‘newly wed and waiting for Godot’ (husband or friends or fun or light at the end of the tunnel) stories to tell me; stories of the ‘post-honeymoon depression’ that had nothing to do personally with the husband or his family. The fact that there was another group of people who also found it difficult to cope was enlightening.

Later that night, I had a discussion with a senior doctor who said parents of doctors who feel out of place and bored and lonely shouldn’t be here in the first place. Why leave their comfort zones and come here? Was it done as a sacrifice for the sake of the grandchildren? Isn’t the self and fulfillment at some level the conscious or unconscious motive behind almost every sacrifice?

I could relate to what she said on one level. On a philosophical level - every man has a right and a duty to be happy. As she put it, if you are unhappy, you will spread unhappiness and if you are happy, you will spread happiness.

A young doctor couple I spoke to had a different point of view on the matter. The woman told me about what an incredible boon it is to have the children’s grandparents and how insecure she used to feel during her student days of complete dependence on maids she was not even satisfied with. Both of them could remember times when a beleaguered mother had to come to work with a child in tow because there was no one to leave him/her with.

But what is the solution to the grandparents’ heartaches? Are they to be considered merely as the problems of certain individuals that cannot be helped? Can the community that reaps the rewards of their intangible contributions make it easier for them in anyway?

Happiness may be a choice but sometimes, we all need a helping hand.